….a part of me died.
and it has taken this long for a new part of me to be reborn.
i had lost myself.
i had followed.
And now, finally, on my own, I start over…..again.
((Any idea exactly how many times one is given to start over?? I’ve got to be at the max by now…))
-Seven year itch-
-7 years bad luck-
-Lucky number 7-
-Only time will tell-
-Time is on my side-
-Once Upon a Time-
THE MAN IN THE PARK
I was once sitting in a park, in the middle of a noisy metropolis. The sun, reflecting off the glass high-rises and peaking through the green leaves of ancient trees, touched my skin so softly that its warmth felt human. The breeze held a voice, so sweet and indistinct between a dove or an angel. I sat. I sat and released myself to this place. Toxins of bad thoughts and painful memories crept out of my pores. I just sat, and watched, absorbing the lives of those around me, trying to hear their innermost thoughts, to fill a void within me. Just as I was close to interpreting a conversation, a man appeared at my side. His eyes were so peaceful and calm, mesmerizing me before I had a chance to be startled. And then he spoke.
“Child,” he said to me, “Why do you sit here? What cure do you seek and for what ailment to you seek it for? As if one of these lives is a life you hope to steal for your own.”
Upon looking at him I was able to see through him and into myself. Dark shadows were consuming my once lively soul. This might be my only chance to reignite the spark of my lifeless being.
I stood up. Walked the path along the water, and went home.
Thousands of miles. To my true home. It was somewhat prodigal. And completely humbling.
******* ******* ******* *******
7 years ago today, at age 20, I was in the hospital.
At 6am that morning, after 25 hours of labor, mostly alone, I gave birth to my daughter.
She slept in my arms that night, so peaceful and sweet.
The next day I placed her in the arms of a very loving family, and watched them take her home.
Even with knowing I had given her the best life anyone could give, it is hard to not hate yourself for not being able to be the one to provide it.
Growing up, having a mom who ran away in the middle of the night, never to return, I promised myself if I ever have children I would be there all the time, every second, and make sure during each of those seconds they know I love them.
It’s hard not to hate yourself for breaking that promise. It’s hard to not feel like I became my mother.
Forgiveness is difficult enough in most any situation, but I think forgiving yourself is the toughest.
I have told myself many times I am over it and said, “Self, I forgive you.”….but it is with age and maturity I have finally confronted the lie with myself and I can still say, “Self, I am disappointed in you. I still hurt. But, I can learn to love you. And I will forgive you. But you have got to stand up and “carpe diem” the hell out of life right now and be happy, because you are awesome.”
Or something along those lines.
That being said, regrets are a silly waste of time. My journey to forgiveness involves getting over these regrets, and accomplishing those dreams I have hidden away for years.
I need to be proud of myself.
I need to feel happy about who I am.
Sitting around drowning in sadness is not the answer.
So, here it is, time for a change. More like a swift kick in my own ass, but however you want to say it. 😉
A bucket list of sorts.
More like a “Fulfill My Dreams” list, a “Finally Feel Alive” list, a “Get Out of Rock Bottom” list (ok I’m sure you’ve got the point…) full of things I have been wanting to do forever, but have been too pathetically sad to do them.
The motivation bug has bit me. And it doesn’t hurt at all.
Follow along with me on my journey, won’t you?
Here’s my list:
(in no particular order whatsoever)
- Learn the guitar (I already have an acoustic and an electric, and I taught myself the piano when I was 8…..what’s been stopping me??!?)
- Write and publish a book (I have so many ideas and outlines, and this is by far my biggest dream)
- Join a Yoga class (being active and healthy with other people is good for the mind and body!)
- Get out of the country (even though Mexico and Canada technically count, for this list they don’t…more like get off of the continent….which requires 4a: get a passport)
- Go skydiving (cliche, I know, but I am terrified of heights, but facing your fears in a rush once in a while has to be a good thing)
- Take an “adult” vacation (I have never gone on a vacation with friends….only family or a BF)
- Paint a picture, knit a scarf, and actually finish it (I have started 5……)
- Volunteer (i have a few times here and there, but this needs to be a somewhat regular thing for an extended period of time)
- Return to and finish college (I have about 1.5 yrs left)
- Forgive myself (haha….that one will be the last one accomplished i’m sure)
- Become a home chef (a bit “Julie & Julia”-esque , I love cooking, but don’t know much of the fundamentals…pick a cookbook and learn from it)
- The Classics (compile a list of the best/most influential/must read/see timeless books and movies I have not read/seen yet, and well, read/watch them….this will be good for lazy days)
- Go skiing (when I was little I would stare at the baby blue and white ski’s my mother left behind…and I’ve always imagined myself going downhill in them like she did. Like her, those ski’s are now long gone, but my dream isn’t…and winter is coming!)
- See NYC in the fall (They have even made a movie about how beautiful it is! I have been once, in the Spring, 6 months after 9/11. I feel it’s time to see the city healed, at the most beautiful time of year.)
- Attend a Packers game (I find it quite pathetic that this Wisconsin girl has never been. I have spent countless Sunday’s watching them from barstools and my own couch, but never in their home. Sad face.)
- Go to a Hot Air Balloon Festival (not to ride….that would be terrifyingly ridiculous. But only to bring my camera and take some of the most beautiful photos…and instagram 90% of them.)
- Attend an “Ugly Christmas Sweater” party (and of course, purchase said ugly sweater from Goodwill or some second hand shop, then proceed to take way too many condemning pictures).
******* ******* *******
This is a good start for now. I’m sure more will come up, and they will be added. What is the point of life if you run out of things you want to stay alive for?
Wish me luck!