Ish My Autistic Teenage Brother Says

Teenage boys are weird.

Throw a little Aspergers into the mix and you’ve really got a kid that says the darndest things .


Did I mention he’s also a Ginger???



“I think the Ferris Wheel was going a little too fast. The purpose of a Ferris Wheel is to see things, and if it’s going too fast, well it just defeats the purpose.”


“A good excuse for why your parents aren’t home is “they got murdered in Iceland”.”


“Can’t really go do anything when you have your favorite cat in your lap.”


*walks into my room* “I’m gonna do some planking.” *lays down on the ground*


“One of these days some 14-year-old is going to click on something on his desktop and suddenly the whole world is going to end.”


Jeff: I wish I had a clarinet

Me: Would you know what to do with one?

Jeff: Oh I can make it sing til Hollywood, my friend! Or at least til MoTown if I’m on a limited budget.


“Why ask teachers when you can just ask Google?”


“”Up” is more of a love story in the first 20 minutes than “Twilight” can even try to be in all 4 of its books. Fact.”


“Whoever created that old “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” movie must have been on some sort of acid or LSD trip.”


“Her boobs are so huge. They look like they are going to explode. Enough PSI and it’ll kill her.”


Jeff: I’m glad you’re feeling better.

Me: Thanks. It could have been worse though.

Jeff: Yeah, North Korea could be invading us.


“When I was younger, I used to look up to you. Now I’m older, and taller, and now you look up to me!”


Jeff: You’re my mentor. I really look up to you.

Me: Aww, thanks Jeff, that’s really sweet.

Jeff: Yeah. Have you ever seen the South Park episode called “Pee”?


“If you’re gonna jump out of an airplane, make sure you land on your knees….or have a jetpack.”


“Ugh. Kids these days. They’re always dating and texting on their cell phones. Why can’t they pay attention to anything important? Like reading “Consumer Reports”.


“I think in this economy people should really buy American cars. People are really getting fooled by foreign cars.”


“My armpits smell like beef and cheese.”


Me: I can do whatever I want

Jeff: Is it because you are 27?

Me: Yes


“I like “South Park” because it is so politically INcorrect.”


“I hope dad doesn’t get Alzheimer’s and have to go to a nursing home. Then he’d be more angry than he already is.”


“If dad died right now I’d get to drive his Lincoln Mark VIII.”


“Every day, you think I go to school, but really I go to the Cayman Islands and party.”


“Our 8th grade trip is to Washington DC this year. You know, if I go into politics I’ll be living in DC. When I’m on the trip I should look into good places to live out there.”


“Dad, you should really cut back on the Pepsi One. All that soda can lead to a heart attack.”


“Oh mom, you worry too much. You’re just stuck in the 1940’s.”

((our mom was born in ’59…))


After my recent breakup: “I’m sorry about your sad situations. But it’ll be ok. At least you have me.”


“I’m worried about this road trip with dad. What if we’re driving and he has a heart attack? Am I going to have to drive, do CPR and call 911 all at once?”


“I hope you’re car’s ok. I’d hate for it to overheat. Especially if you’re on some backroads. And at night. That would just be the worst possible situation.”


“I can’t believe they are giving ipads to 5th graders. 5th graders are in no way responsible enough.”


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Jeff: Something to do with politics. Or engineering. Or business. I’d like to own my own business someday….like an ice cream shop. Oh man, that would be so cool. I would just eat ice cream every day.


“I’m trying to think of some options to get out of Band Camp….the stomach flu? No, too cliche. I know. I got abducted by aliens.”


…….each day, something truly awesome comes out of that kid’s mouth.




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